What I Want for My Son (Collaborative Post)

Photo Credit to Anna Shvets on Pexels

One of my favorite things about blogging is the interesting people I’ve met.  Given that so many new blogs pop up each day, I’ve gotten to the point where I rarely add another to follow. I do make exceptions, though.  One blog I’ve taken a tremendous liking to in the last year is Jen’s, who blogs under the name Bossy Babe. https://bosssybabe.wordpress.com/

Who couldn’t love that handle?  What I like most about her writing is her refreshingly honest posts combined with her witty style. She doesn’t pretend that parenting is simple.  The difference is BB, as I like to call her, writes what most of us are thinking but are unwilling to say.

We couldn’t be much different from each other.  We’re different genders, she’s still working full-time while I’m retired, and I’m old enough to be her father.  We share one similarity:  we’re both parents, although my son is twenty-five years older than her daughter.  So many of her posts remind me of that busy time in life when I was barely keeping my head above water, trying to manage the challenges of working full-time while going through some serious on-the-job training.

Parenting is one of the hardest and yet most rewarding things I’ve ever done. There is no “I think I’ll sit this one out.”  Once you sign up for this gig, it’s pretty much 24/7.  Some people would say it’s that way for 18 years, but that’s not true either.  Parenting is a constant adjustment of push and pull.  Sometimes you’re pulling them along, encouraging them to be brave and try new things.  Other times you’re pushing them back, realizing they’re trying to grow up too fast and might not have considered all of the consequences of their actions. Whatever phase you’re in, it doesn’t suddenly end when they turn 18.

Before I dig into what I want for my child (now an adult), I have to look back at how I got here.

It Almost Didn’t Happen

We were married seven years before my wife got pregnant.  She has a health issue, and the doctors advised us that a pregnancy might be too hard on her body. Her desire to have a child superseded the risks, and in November of 1994, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

First Year Memories

Don’t get me wrong—I love being a dad, but those early times were not without their challenges.  Our son had deservedly earned the nickname “Cryin’ Ryan” before he was six months old.

As first-time parents, there was a steep learning curve. We thought we were somewhat prepared when we had the nursery ready weeks before our child’s birth, but the real learning started when we brought our baby home. Husbands received no paternity leave in those days, so I headed back to work after two weeks. Thankfully, my mother-in-law came and stayed with us for three weeks and was a tremendous help during that time. 

After my mother-in-law left, we were back on the clock full-time.  It wasn’t long before we had moved into full survival mode. I laugh, recalling some of those early dad moments when I was futilely trying to change his messy diaper or dress him after he spat up all over himself and me for the third time that day.  My wife and I kept our sense of humor for the most part.  I can remember thinking, I’m sure glad he’ll never remember this, or no one is around to see this fiasco.

What Surprised Me About Parenting That First Year?

It was hard.  Nobody told us that we’d be loading our son into his car seat at 2:00 a.m. to go for a drive because that sometimes put him to sleep.  I didn’t know I’d be vacuuming the house at 3:30 a.m. because he found the sound soothing.  We were so desperate and sleep-deprived by that point, we even tried making a recording of the vacuum, but that didn’t seem to work like the live version.  In my zombie-like state, I pictured receiving an award for “Cleanest Carpet in Town.” When I finally collapsed and fell asleep, it seemed a cruel joke to be awakened two hours later to the sound of my alarm.  After showering and shaving, I’d dress for work in the dark as quietly as I could so as not to awaken my wife and son.

What Do I Want for My Son?  Much of what I hoped for him when I first became a dad has come to fruition, and I feel tremendous pride in the young man he has become.   

1. Good Health That has come true for the most part.  I know that I would have loved him just as much if he had a physical or mental disability, but not having those obstacles has made his life easier.  He does have a rare eye condition called keratoconus, something that affects the structure of the cornea, resulting in some loss of vision.  He may eventually need a cornea transplant in both eyes, but while glasses or soft contact lenses don’t help, he has been able to function with the use of hard contacts.

It would not have changed anything, but I feel a little guilty about not realizing that he was dealing with this problem sooner.  We used to play catch in the backyard with a baseball or football, and I couldn’t understand why he seemed to have trouble catching certain throws. When we found out during a routine eye check, I remember feeling guilty. I’m super proud of the way he has handled things, as he never complains and much like everything else in his life, he has accepted and dealt with it.

2.   Happiness I wanted our son to be happy in his personal and professional life.  He is happier than most people I know.  He’s intelligent, independent, fearless, enjoys his career, has many good friends, and his personal life is in a good place.  We’ve offered advice if he’s asked us. Still, I try not to give my unsolicited suggestions because I remember wanting to handle business myself without my parents’ assistance when I became a young adult.  He’s wired the same way, and I love that quality in him. He’s never been one to make excuses when things don’t go his way.

3.   Hard Worker This is a family trait.  Both sides of the family are full of industrious people, so Ryan had good role models to follow.  His grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, and cousins all know how to put in a hard day’s work.  We knew that this quality would serve him well, so we’re glad to see that he has inherited this trait.

4. Good Person While I take pride in each of his academic accomplishments (Master’s Degree in Education) and for following his dreams (Coaching College Football), the thing I’m most proud of is that Ryan is a kind and decent person.  He doesn’t just think about himself.  He’s fiercely loyal to his family and friends.  He has earned 100% of our trust because he makes excellent and thoughtful decisions.  Even if he weren’t my son, I’d respect him as a man.

Parents’ roles change as our children get older, but we always want the best for our kids.  As far as the future, I’m looking forward to Ryan marrying, having his own kids, and watching him become a father.  He may not fully realize it yet, but he’s learning right now through his job as a coach. His school puts on football camps in the summer, so he’s already dealt with elementary, middle, and high school students.  He spends most of the year working with young men and finding that sweet spot teaching, motivating, and sometimes disciplining his student-athletes. As I watch him during the games, I see the respect they have for him.  He doesn’t lose his mind and scream at them.  Does that make someone play better? Realizing that we become grandparents when he becomes a parent may make us feel old, but that is a tradeoff we’re willing to make. 

My advice to Bossy Baby and other young parents is to try and enjoy every moment of parenting. Seeing your child in physical or emotional pain is hard.  When your child makes mistakes, you have to let them face the consequences. Some of the most valuable life lessons come from those moments.  Don’t give children a lot of material things. Parents aren’t doing their children a favor when they provide them anything they want. Teach them to be strong, independent, and chase their dreams with fearlessness. That will bring true happiness.

I wrote this post in collaboration with Jen (Bossy Babe) https://bosssybabe.wordpress.com/, who lives in Toronto, Canada. She is passionate about writing and connecting with others through her blog. She enjoys telling ordinary stories with extraordinary lessons. Be prepared for a good dose of laughter. She is likely writing when not being a mother, working full-time, eating bread, reading, or falling down the YouTube rabbit hole. Here is Jen’s take on what she wants for her child: https://bosssybabe.wordpress.com/?p=3494